My internship is chugging a long and it may be slightly obnoxious to say this, but I'm saying it anyway. I am still on cloud nine and absolutely loving it. I feel like things are going as well as they possibly can. Not that I don't have moments of white hot blind panic, but let's face it I get white hot blind panic moments when I'm strolling down the street. That is just par for the course for me. But what I'm trying to say is I feel like I'm doing the best job I possibly can.
I am loving getting to know the teens and they seem to be warming up to me. I was worried they wouldn't warm up to me because I think (which may be be a totally false belief as we say in Cognitive Behavior Therapy) that my shyness can come off as coldness or awkwardness.
I also was given my first client recently, and I had my first ever solo therapy session. OK maybe not the first time, my best friend has always called me Dr. Phylis because she tells me all her problems, but now I'm Dr. Phylis for real! I wasn't expecting to get to work one-on-one with clients so soon because I'm not supposed to get a case load until I've been there 30 days, and that is two weeks away. It really shocked me when my supervisor told me to go work with the student. Literally, I was addressing envelopes for a fundraiser one second and playing therapist the next. I'm almost glad I didn't know it was coming because I would have stayed up all night stressing over it otherwise.
I collected myself and calmed my nerves by giving myself a pep talk in the bathroom mirror right before the session. And then I went for it, and I think it went well. And I was so gosh darn relieved and proud of myself. It was like this weird full circus moment when I realized I was doing something that I've been wanting to do since I was 15 years old. Mind Blowing.
The only bad thing about the internship is that my main supervisor reminds me a lot of my brother. Or at least my brother's good parts. My supervisor is a recovering addict and he looks like him, his humour is similar, and they have near identical mannerisms. My supervisor is my brother before the drugs and the angry rants. Before he was someone who could walk away from his family. Or someone who beats his wife. My brother has morphed into someone who can overdose on seven different drugs just to get released from the hospital and go score the same night.
When I'm around my boss, I can't help but think of my brother's over the top personality, the sound of his laugh, and how animated he gets when he tells stories. I keep thinking about the brother I adored when I was younger. I remember him taking me go kart racing, and how he let me drive down the country rides when I couldn't even see over the steering wheel. And then I get depressed because I haven't seen my brother in two years, and the last time I talked to him was via a birthday text last September.
These grief feelings are new to me. I have certainly felt angry at my brother. And I have resented how his antics have ruined every holiday. And I have resented how his bad behavior has many times made me the forgotten child in the family, taking a back seat to his crisis of the week. And mostly I resent him for what he has done to my nieces and nephews. So yeah, I have been so mad at him I couldn't even speak.
I accept that my feelings about my brother are perfectly normal. It's normal to miss him and be sad. Because my brother is my brother and no matter what he has done I'll never be able to stop caring about him. A person can't stay angry forever and really anger is like holding a hot coal in your hand expecting the other person to get burnt. And I'm tired of holding on to his hot coals.
I have to believe that being around my supervisor will get easier with time. And hopefully he won't always be a trigger for me. But for now, I guess I need to allow myself to grieve because that is just one step closer to my healing.
2 comments:
It sounds like you've had a lot of complicated feelings, but maybe it's good that it's helping you work through them instead of keeping them inside. I'm so glad you're enjoying your internship, and I hope it leads to wonderful things :)
Oh B I'm so happy for you! Wow, your first solo therapy session already! It must be so amazing to be doing what you've always wanted to do.
I like your attitude about the supervisor that's the ghost of brother past. Maybe it's a good thing because it's reminding you of all your brother's good qualities. I think in your line of work you're going to be doing a lot of confronting your own demons and dealing with them. It sounds like you're dealing with it very well.
Post a Comment