Hello, World.

I haven't felt much like blogging  recently because I've been busy and a little overwhelmed with life lately. My internship is going really well and I'm almost halfway through it. I'm getting more and more used to working with clients and I think I've got a handle on it now.  I'm more and more convinced that working with teenage girls is where I want to go with my life.  I've had girls tell me secrets that they have been frightened to tell anyone else, and I've helped them with anxiety and depression issues (issues that are so near and dear to my heart for obvious reasons).

Lately, I've really been putting time into finding a therapist for myself. Which has turned out to be a harder process than I would have ever guessed! I called three therapists that wouldn't take my insurance, and one I made an appointment with and when I got to the office I couldn't find her office. It was just a never-ending suite of confusing apartment-style buildings with office after office. And when I called her to tell her I was lost she never answered the phone, and she has never ever called me back (which is bad form if you ask me). I do have an appointment in the morning with a new therapist, and if it doesn't work out for some odd reason I might just cry out of frustration. Sometime last week I lamented to A," No one wants to be my therapist!"

I've decided to go back to therapy after all these years because I'm finally ready to address the issues with food that I have been struggling with for so many years and have seem to have gotten worse recently. I just feel like I can never eat enough and I never ever feel full.  I've started to judge how good a meal is based on the amount of food there is rather than the taste, and sometimes I hide what I am eating from A. even though he would never judge me. I do it because I feel ashamed. And the only thing I can figure out is I started having problems again when my brother and sister-in-law relapsed last fall. Which is something I've really struggled with because sometimes I hate my brother and sometimes I miss my brother so much I just think my heart is going to break in two.

As awful it is for me to admit it, I've gained back all 60 lbs I lost two years ago. And I just can't let this trend continue because I am on such a bad path right now. I mean my father has severe type II diabetes, and has lost his legs. I don't want that for me. I already have polycystic ovarian syndrome which makes it difficult to have children as it is, and it is even more difficult with the weight. I really am strongly considering having weight loss surgery when my internship completes next year, but I just want to make sure my head is screwed on right before I take that kind of a step.

Lastly, A. and I received some pretty devastating news on Friday. In the past few months, Sarah has been having periodic issues with her bladder. Some days she would be going to the bathroom obsessively but only little amounts would be coming out. And then a few days later she would be absolutely fine. We had been chocking it up to water intake, but lately she has been having more bad days than good days, so we decided to take her to the vet.

The vet did an ultrasound and she found a tumor growing on her urethra. So her bladder is like a water hose that has a kink in it. She can pee, but it's hard. The tumor is non-treatable because it can not be removed, and chemo would be costly and wouldn't give us that much extra time, if it worked at all. The tumor is fast-growing and eventually she won't be able to pee at all. And when that time comes we will have to put her down. The vet doesn't know how long she has, it could be a week, it could be two months.

I know she is an old girl and I knew it would happen eventually, but it just seems too soon for me. I can't imagine her not being there to greet me after work. And we will miss her big old smile and the way she could always make us laugh. And there have been so many times when I have cried into her fur and her loving silence has made it better.

I can't even allow myself to spend too much time dwelling on it because it would overwhelmed me and I can't keep crying. All that matters is she isn't in pain right now, and we are just making sure she has the best last days ever. We are taking her to the beach every weekend, giving her tons of treats (screw the diet), and taking her on long walks. I just have to be grateful for the happiness and all the years she has given us.

This post is mostly sad I know, and I feel bad about that. And I don't want anyone to think I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself because I'm really not. There are so many things in my life right now that I have to be happy about. But tonight I just felt like getting all the sad things off my chest. So thanks for listening Internet.